I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
