i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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