If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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