He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Blood and glitter go together right?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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