After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
