Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
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Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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