I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
