Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
