Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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