I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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