I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
