Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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