I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you didnt know i had herpes?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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