Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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