I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
