Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
