Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
