I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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