she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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