new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
