I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Found the puke drawer
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
