mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
