Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
