when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
