Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
