the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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