if you like me you must not know who I am
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
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I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
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why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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