Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My dick has a subreddit
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
