ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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