mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
