Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I would ride that face into the sunset
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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