if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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