she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
