I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
