I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
