Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
