My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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