I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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