Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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