Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
