Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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