If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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