it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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