Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
