did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
