Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
