Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
