you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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