Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
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He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
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Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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