shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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