just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
