I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
