Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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