omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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