The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
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there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
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I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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