It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
